28th July 2011

I have been feeling really strange lately and unable to figure out why until today. I received an e-mail to confirm my son's orientation at school. He is leaving home on September 2, 2011, to go an live in a dorm.  He is getting his dream training and that is to become a Executive Chef.  But it doesn't end there. He informed me that in his sophomore year and every year after, he will be spending an entire three semesters in a foreign country like Paris, Rome, and some other exotic city until he graduates.

As a mother, all of this has weighed very heavily on my mind and more so on my heart.  He is my eldest of two and the time has come. It is ripping my heart out!  I want to scream and cry and tell my "little boy" that he cannot go! I cannot stand it when you are not in my life--to see you everyday! (Next year, I will probably be writing the same thing about my youngest -- my "little girl."  She left home once but came back quickly because -- we equally were just not ready.  They both have been going to junior college to get a handle on their grades and preparation to be out in the big great world and "off the Mommie's farm."

Deep down inside, I knew this day was coming. But why did it have to come so quickly? Yesterday, he was getting on the bus for the first time to go to kindergarten at Thames Elementary in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I stood there staring at him, at every feature on his face, every mark, looking at his clothes, and making a mental note of every little detail there is to see. Then he snapped me back to life, "Mommie! I have to go, let go!"  He left. I cried.

But, I have to realize that letting go is a natural process in the development of both parent and child -- a very hard concept to understand because we love so very deeply. We carried that "thing" inside of us and felt every little move they made. He would get into a thither and kick so much, that I would just pat my stomach and he would settle down. For him leaving will not change the fact that I love him and have told him so everyday since he was born. I wanted to make sure that he understood above all else was that he was loved and wanted and needed.

This blog is to my son, go out into the world and try.  Make your own life and your own way. I may cry and tell you my heart is breaking, but in truth, this is what I want for you. I have raised you well and am very proud of the job I did and the way you have turned out.  We kept our house dysfunctional, crazy at times, and goofy, but we have had a loving --safe-- home. Our house was never perfect and I did not raise you that way. I raised you to be human and give of yourself when you can. You have given of yourself more often than I care to comment. Now go. It is time. Go out into the world, spread your wings and fly. I love you but we will all be fine-- and that means you too.